It's been a while since my last blog. I have tried to stay busy with life and during the day light hours I seem to be on the right course. But when the sun is warming the other side of the earth my thoughts are filled with worry and doom. Cancer changed me and my world in every way. When I learned I had cancer I knew it would be a burden to my family but I didn't understand how much of a burden it would be on me. I am a different person with a different body. This body of mine failed me and I am trying to make peace with it but there is no guide or manual. And I don't want to mess up again.

It's been a while since I blogged, I guess when you feel great about stuff why bother. This is a great way to express fears and anxiety. And I have that right now. Yesterday I went for my first bone scan and now I am waiting for the results. I was scared about my mammogram but you get your result right there. So you don't have to worry. Also another breast cancer I have a chance to fight that with great odds. Metastatic breast cancer is another thing altogether. So the bone scan and the chest xray are my most feared things. My heart is racing all I want to do is cry. I guess I could use all this nervous energy and go for a run. But what if the phone rings and they have my results.

Well you all should know Dr Shroud thinks my skins looks great. He expected it to be pinker.... so I am to carry on with what I am magically doing. So good news on the radiation. And I feel great. I ran two miles yesterday and walked one. The hot flashes are driving me crazy... it's going to be a looong summer.

radiation is going well.... no problems yet... I am tired, nauseated with pain in every friggin' muscle and joint. But My skin looks good and today is good. So sally forth on with the treatments!

Did I ever express my dislike for the fraudulent process of health insurance. I think so but let me express my frustration and disappointment in the health care. I am ashamed to be apart of health care. The billing and insurance methods are made confusing for a purpose. So health systems and insurance companies can make money. After spending hours and hours on the telephone with multiple different people only one person guided me with honesty. That was "A" the billing person in my oncologists office.The person who referred me to her told me there were certain things she could not discuss but "A" would be able to help.
I understand everyone is doing the job they are paid for but who is there for the consumer?

All is well in the neighborhood. Leave work, walk across parking lot to the cancer center, scan my blue identification card at the desk, proceed to dressing room, undress, place on one gown front,one gown back, take seat in waiting area, proceed to different waiting area when my name is called, take a seat until my name is called again, when name is called I enter a large room with a door about a foot thick, take supine position on table, take my clothes off to expose chest, right arm above head, left arm above head with left hand into right hand, tech pulls sheets to move me so the lasers line up with the tattoos, techs leave the room closing the thick door on the way out, machine moves and ticking sounds proceed, i shallow breath trying my hardest not to move a millimeter, ticking stops, machine moves around to the other side, ticking again, ticking stops, a voice tells me I can bring my arms down but not to sit up, techs return, the table lowers, the techs help this old lady sit up, i proceed back to the changing room, put my uniform back on, walk back to the ER, high five to a friend, one down.

oh and it really doesn't seem real...me have breast cancer.. NO way. it must be wrong.