Dr Hu...

Yesterday was Jason's birthday and I used his lucky omen when I scheduled my appointment with my oncologist... I couldn't get any bad news on my husbands birthday? Dr Hu starts off talking about the tumour size which we know... then starts with my Lymph nodes... there are single cell cancer cells which show up on a stain ...this makes my prognosis worse. So he will treat as if they are positive and give me chemo. But the nodes are classed as negative. If I was 75 and not 39 I'd just get tamoxifen and radiation. I will be receiving 6 treatments 3 weeks apart. I start November 12th with Taxotere an Cytoxan. I have a Powerport placed on Tuesday. I have 3 abnormalities on my liver, a definite hemangioma and 2 small areas that do NOT look like typical cancer. I have a PET scan on Monday... but I don't know if I can cope with waiting and being told the result. Tests seem like another to give me bad news and I'm done with that.

Unless I'm having a direct intervention all of this seems totally unreal... but instant I put my identification wrist band on or I sit in a chair at the office I just want to close my ears, scream and hide. How the hell did this happen to me?

I thought I would get cancer due to my family history but not now... we all know being so young is not the best recipe for longevity. I see that look in faces.. The look I would give. Despair, sympathy and concern... the look of what to say. Can I smile, can I joke? How and if I should say something? I will be glad to have other things to talk about... right now all I can talk about is my breast cancer.

Liver

I knew it... my surgery site is too bruised. The excision of the lymph site looks great but the cancer site removal looks colourful and feels rock hard. "How did I bleed out?" Who cares , nothing I can do about it except watch for infection. It 's been like that since surgery and prior to my run on Saturday. Running 5km with a hematoma in my breast just made it more memorable. But it's getting so much better. Hopefully it won't delay my chemo.

The numbness under my arm is decreasing and burning sensation continues. My nipple feels like I've been out in minus 10F for a week.

I saw Dr S Westfall yesterday for results and follow up. I didn't tell her I'd been running but she thought the bleeding was probably due to how how close she was to my pectoral muscle. The tumour was 2.3x 1.7x 1.8cm, so it lost 3mm not 6mm. Lots of other jargon that on the whole is good. Dr Westfall said I was lucky, I already know that.

Yesterday I saw the oncology NP. I received my genetic test results, they were negative. There are 2 mutations they can check for at this time. We think I have a genetic factor because my grandmother, my father and mother all had cancer but the science is not there yet to find the mutation.

Yesterday I also asked the NP to review my results from all of my testing.... everything looked good except two areas on my liver that can not be ruled out for metastasis. O.K right then and there I knew I could never go for an appointment by myself again. I nearly passed out. Do you cry? Do you call a friend? What do you do? I was handed some Kleenex with a sincere pat on the arm. I told her just to give me a minute. I gathered my thoughts and put my nurse head on. But the NP was two steps a head of me, she was going to talk with Dr Hu. He is not concerned but will do a PET scan to make me feel better... I know how radiologist work they cover everything...I don't feel it in my liver, it just can't be there. My lymph nodes are negative except for the single cancer cells that mean nothing....If Dr Hu was concerned he would have ordered the PET scan after the result first came in, not when the patient freaks out. So the PET should be negative.

I am freaking out. I'm feeling nauseous and nervous all the time. And in total denial...

The NP committed to say I would be getting chemo and asked if I'd considered a port . Well if all I'm getting is 6-8 chemo treatments then maybe not. It seems like a waste of time for just a few treatments but who the heck knows what the future will bring. So bring on the port. My husband will need to take more time off work on the placement day. I didn't know whether to ask someone to take me.I hate to burden someone with sitting in surgery for half a day. My husband signed up for that when he said, "I do". But I think I will ask someone to come so Jason doesn't take more time off.

Next week I'm going for a short haircut. So I can slowly get used to looking at myself with no hair and I can control that loss. My husband is sad I'm cutting it. I think it's sad because I think I have control.

The Rest of the Tests

So I cancelled my trip and instead navigated my way around St John's Mercy Medical Center.

1. MRI of breasts showed the tumour in my right breast 2.6cm at it's widest. No Lymph nodes involved.

2. MRI of my brain... normal

3.Biopsy Results. Invasive ductal carcinoma intermediate grade.

4. Genetic blood work still pending.

5. CT Scan lungs, abdomen and pelvis...normal

6.Bone Scan ...normal

7. Biopsy showed the tumour was oestrogen and progesterone positive. HER2 negative.

Dr Westfall did a lumpectomy on the 15Th October with good margins and 4 lymph nodes were removed. Which were negative.

Originally the Breast Nurse Specialist staged my cancer at a stage one. Unfortunately my oncologist, Dr Hu staged it at a two because of the tumours size. My husband wondered why I was so upset about the change. A stage one is 100% survivable and a stage two is 85% survivable. I see Dr Hu again this week to review all of the results and make a plan. I am hoping 6mm on the biopsy was not cancer then I can be a stage one again.

I know that with the drop of a hat or the flip of a coin all of my test results could be so different.

One friend said I should celebrate all of the good news and I do because I know throughout this there will be bad/sad news too.

The beginning.

Saturday September the 26th I found a lump in the outer area of my right breast. My husband agreed that there was a lump. I was not at all worried because in 2005 I had the area investigated with Ultrasound because it was lumpy and hurting. Then they just said it was a fibrous ridge. So this time I was in two minds about even calling my doctor but I knew my husband would ask if I'd done something about it. So I called the doctor on the Monday morning. The assistant gave me a grilling and said she would call me back. So I had to go for a Mammogram on 30th. I was not worried or concerned and continued to think nothing of it...

On the 30th I went by myself for a mammogram, sat in a chair and the tech felt my lump placed a sticky marker over it and started to take pictures. Lots of pictures..... squeeze your boob until it will burst pictures of my right and only two light squeeze of the left. My radar was already going up. So then she announced we were off for ultrasound. Again she was very aggressive with getting images and then wondered that probe up into my armpit while asking if I'd had any pain or swelling there....fuck! that was it, I knew it was not good. Not just a lump but something else. The tech left telling me she might be back with the doctor.... but no doctor. I had something abnormal present, I needed a biopsy but not today because my insurance would need to pre certify one but I was going to talk with a breast speciality nurse. The nurse proceeded to tell me the doctor was suspicious about the lump. I wanted to know why? Was it the size, shape or the way it looked. Tell me the facts! I am not sure if she was clear enough for me or I was not really ready to hear what she said. So I left there for work with my biopsy scheduled for the next day, my trip to England/Ireland still in place knowing the biopsy results would be waiting for me when I returned to the States in two weeks. Off I go to work upset.. but what's new, freaking out about stuff in my life to a few people is a normal part of my life. I kept looking for the report in the data system at work and bingo while sitting in a quieter area of the ER with a few friends the results pop up. Scanning through it looking for key words I found them "invasive carcinoma". I quickly closed the screen and freaked. No one around me knew what was going on or what the hell I was talking about which again is nothing new for me. I popped the screen back open and let them read the report. Crying, shaking and shocked I questioned the MD next to me about all of the jargon written. The wonderful person that he is explained it all very clearly telling me the good and the bad, then said he was sorry. I left work early and went home, my husband left work early too, picked my kids up from school and we went to fly kites. This was the worst night, I cried for my kids, I cried for my mom and I cried for the burden this was going to be to my family for the rest of my life. I am not sure how I got out of bed the next morning to start this new life with cancer. How I made that first step I am not sure but I made them with the knowledge that I am committed to do everything I need to do to save my life. I will do it all with a smile. I will be honest, open and sometimes very sad that I have to do it. I know I will deal with what is in store for me but the thought leaving my children is always unbearable. My trip home was cancelled and I had no choice but to burden my family with the news of why I was not visiting. It is only 5 months since my mum died from cancer and I needed to convince them that my disease is different. That I am different. That hopefully the outcome will be different. But since my mothers death my family is sad and unable to except they all have different ways of coping with her death and their way is not the right way it's just "their way" and not to judge others. Bottom line we all miss her, we all love her and we are all still alive to appreciate her effect on us. She was a very non-judgemental and forgiving person. She dealt with a lot of shit. I am glad she is not alive to see me with this but so sad she is not alive. So the next day I got out of bed and started the process... of putting my cancer into remission or planning the end of my life?