The beginning.

Saturday September the 26th I found a lump in the outer area of my right breast. My husband agreed that there was a lump. I was not at all worried because in 2005 I had the area investigated with Ultrasound because it was lumpy and hurting. Then they just said it was a fibrous ridge. So this time I was in two minds about even calling my doctor but I knew my husband would ask if I'd done something about it. So I called the doctor on the Monday morning. The assistant gave me a grilling and said she would call me back. So I had to go for a Mammogram on 30th. I was not worried or concerned and continued to think nothing of it...

On the 30th I went by myself for a mammogram, sat in a chair and the tech felt my lump placed a sticky marker over it and started to take pictures. Lots of pictures..... squeeze your boob until it will burst pictures of my right and only two light squeeze of the left. My radar was already going up. So then she announced we were off for ultrasound. Again she was very aggressive with getting images and then wondered that probe up into my armpit while asking if I'd had any pain or swelling there....fuck! that was it, I knew it was not good. Not just a lump but something else. The tech left telling me she might be back with the doctor.... but no doctor. I had something abnormal present, I needed a biopsy but not today because my insurance would need to pre certify one but I was going to talk with a breast speciality nurse. The nurse proceeded to tell me the doctor was suspicious about the lump. I wanted to know why? Was it the size, shape or the way it looked. Tell me the facts! I am not sure if she was clear enough for me or I was not really ready to hear what she said. So I left there for work with my biopsy scheduled for the next day, my trip to England/Ireland still in place knowing the biopsy results would be waiting for me when I returned to the States in two weeks. Off I go to work upset.. but what's new, freaking out about stuff in my life to a few people is a normal part of my life. I kept looking for the report in the data system at work and bingo while sitting in a quieter area of the ER with a few friends the results pop up. Scanning through it looking for key words I found them "invasive carcinoma". I quickly closed the screen and freaked. No one around me knew what was going on or what the hell I was talking about which again is nothing new for me. I popped the screen back open and let them read the report. Crying, shaking and shocked I questioned the MD next to me about all of the jargon written. The wonderful person that he is explained it all very clearly telling me the good and the bad, then said he was sorry. I left work early and went home, my husband left work early too, picked my kids up from school and we went to fly kites. This was the worst night, I cried for my kids, I cried for my mom and I cried for the burden this was going to be to my family for the rest of my life. I am not sure how I got out of bed the next morning to start this new life with cancer. How I made that first step I am not sure but I made them with the knowledge that I am committed to do everything I need to do to save my life. I will do it all with a smile. I will be honest, open and sometimes very sad that I have to do it. I know I will deal with what is in store for me but the thought leaving my children is always unbearable. My trip home was cancelled and I had no choice but to burden my family with the news of why I was not visiting. It is only 5 months since my mum died from cancer and I needed to convince them that my disease is different. That I am different. That hopefully the outcome will be different. But since my mothers death my family is sad and unable to except they all have different ways of coping with her death and their way is not the right way it's just "their way" and not to judge others. Bottom line we all miss her, we all love her and we are all still alive to appreciate her effect on us. She was a very non-judgemental and forgiving person. She dealt with a lot of shit. I am glad she is not alive to see me with this but so sad she is not alive. So the next day I got out of bed and started the process... of putting my cancer into remission or planning the end of my life?