Another one down. Only Two left. Yeah for cancer killing chemo. Yesterday I was sad and scared about my future. After saying I would not read any more of my medical reports at work, I broke down and read my PET scan and the two small areas on my liver can not be ruled out for metastatic disease. But Dr Hu said they didn't look like cancer and my lyphmnodes had only single cancer cells in them... so it should be negative. I guess if they go away with chemo or get bigger and change, then they are cancer. If they stay the same then who knows.

When will the worry stop...I keep thinking about the same conversations over and over again. Some days and events I can not recall.

It's 3am and I can't sleep for worry...

My hair is growing back and I have kept it a while longer because of switching treatments and should begin to fall out again this week. I am not buying a wig and if it wasn't so cold I wouldn't be wearing a hat. I forget all about the baldness and at work when I am wearing my scrub hat a few people have asked if they are going for surgery when I walk in... one patient had lung cancer and was scheduled for chemo the same day as me, we said we'd look out for each other in the "chairs".

Writing all my worries down makes me feel better. I try to remember I have now and not to think too far ahead. I will be forty in May. I am too young to die, my children need me and I don't want to leave them. I have no control over cancer it will do what it wants and when but I can control how I live with it. I am looking for that strength and peace.

Had a good sit down chat with the Dr Hu. My cancer could have been there for 1-2 years. But was there at least for 6-9 months prior to me finding it. I am a stage 2a. My highest risk for metastatic reoccurrence is up to 18 months to 3 years. Chemo increases my chance of survival by 10%. And the proteins from cancer cells found in my lymph nodes decreases my survivability. Diet plays no part in curing my cancer, other than alcohol which makes you gain weight and produce more oestrogen. "if it was that easy to cure cancer from food, we would already have a cure."

Taking a healthy diet improves my cardiac health. My WBC's are down to 3 and hgb is down to 10. So I know a lot.

So the information I was so afraid to ask answered. I can stop worrying about what the answers could be. And now deal with them.

Thank the Chemo Gods... What a difference. I could live with this Chemo. Seriously the last Taxotere treatment was the first time I thought I could die from this. I was very scared about the reaction and looking back I was so ill after the first treatment I know it was poison to my body.

I spent most of my teenage years with a hangover and that is how chemo feels. A bad hangover for a few days. Nauseated and very tired. When you wake up you just go back to sleep for 48-96 hours.

I am not strong, courageous or special in anyway because I am fighting cancer. I am the daughter and grand daughter of strong women and they died from cancer. They were strong because of the life they led before cancer. From them I learned to live strong without cancer. I don't want to be identified by having Cancer. Prior to this, cancer seemed so big now it seems so small. Kindness is big. Love is big. Cancer is small. Hate is small. I am the daughter and grand daughter of strong women that died from cancer. Surviving cancer does not measure strength or courage.

Good news today... I only have to take the new chemo for a total of 4 times. Celebrate having the drug reaction on 2nd treatment and not 3rd... now I have one less treatment. It's the middle of the night I have battled with nausea already but it seems to have passed after a few hours sleep. If I recall sleep helped last time.

More on the nausea, somehow since last week my insurance company decreased the amount of anti nausea medications I can receive. Odd. What changed in a week? I am now getting a chemotherapy that causes more nausea. However the insurance company medical director did an over ride and allowed my prescription to filled to 12 tablets and not the usual limit of 5. Now I have to get them to do the same for another medication. So I can get 30 and not 15.

The sad part for me is the other people who don't know the system and have no one on their side who knows how to help. Through +20 years in healthcare you learn the steps to question the system... working in the ER you learn whether it's worth questioning because your long term outcome doesn't change. When you are the patient you realise you don't know much at all and hope everyone is doing the right thing for you. But I am fortunate I don't have small children to care for or an elderly relative/spouse. I can take time from work to get over the worst part of the treatment. I cannot stop thinking how difficult this is for me but OMG I know I am lucky.

So the "Red Devil" is at work inside my body, with 5FU and Cytoxan. Someone from the Sisterhood I am now unfortunately a member of, recently went through this regime so with her honesty, kindness and knowledge she is guiding me through this. What would I do without her? When I post on FB or Blog I am also troubling her with my fear and questions. That Sisterhood is so strong and supportive may I gain the courage to be like the people before me that help me directly and indirectly. I have Survivors on my side and they are everywhere!

There are so many battles to fight when you have cancer and I hope to win many but ultimately I hope to win the war!

Chemotherapy on Thursday... a few days away. Very afraid... have no idea what is in store. I am hoping my first chemo was so bad because of the taxotere but that is supposed to be a kinder and milder chemo drug. But I can not stop hoping that it was so bad because my body didn't like that stuff, not that any chemo will be admired by my body. So I have Adriamycin and Cytoxen. Adriamycin can cause cardiac problems, which I am also hoping doesn't happen.

I know I am lucky not to have metastatic disease or a cancer which can not be cured but what if I am that 10% that doesn't survive.. that 5% which the chemo makes my heart fail. I try not the think "bad" thoughts.. because they might "jinx" me. I am afraid to think and complain about all of this.

The thought that I will recover but be broke, homeless, unemployable, uninsurable and afraid at every doctors appointment enters my mind but wondering about the future when I haven't won this fight yet seems like I'm being too sure about my outcome. So I ask myself what should I think. I decide not to think and just go through the motions of what is expected of me..

What a friggin' day... all went well with pre medication but not well with the chemotherapy , after just a few minutes of the Taxotere I started to feel very hot, head pounding, difficulty breathing, nausea and Chest pain. HR 145, BP good, O2 stats good. The nurse and NP stopped the Taxotere and ran in some Solumedrol, ativan and benadryl. By the time EMS arrived I was feeling nearly normal. Thank god I had a good friend with me to help. Never go for chemo alone!

I asked the nurse how much I got of the Chemo..." no chemo" today I am so angry and mad. Dr Hu came over to check on me and said my chemo would be changed and I will now get it next week.

So enter the unknown again... I am a very organised person trying to get everything settled with who picks up my kids, trying to work a fair schedule and keep my house cleaned...exercise and eat well... i just get things sorted and the something comes up. I think I will have to learn I can not plan past tomorrow. That's the best I can do!