It's been a while since I blogged, I guess when you feel great about stuff why bother. This is a great way to express fears and anxiety. And I have that right now. Yesterday I went for my first bone scan and now I am waiting for the results. I was scared about my mammogram but you get your result right there. So you don't have to worry. Also another breast cancer I have a chance to fight that with great odds. Metastatic breast cancer is another thing altogether. So the bone scan and the chest xray are my most feared things. My heart is racing all I want to do is cry. I guess I could use all this nervous energy and go for a run. But what if the phone rings and they have my results.

Well you all should know Dr Shroud thinks my skins looks great. He expected it to be pinker.... so I am to carry on with what I am magically doing. So good news on the radiation. And I feel great. I ran two miles yesterday and walked one. The hot flashes are driving me crazy... it's going to be a looong summer.

radiation is going well.... no problems yet... I am tired, nauseated with pain in every friggin' muscle and joint. But My skin looks good and today is good. So sally forth on with the treatments!

Did I ever express my dislike for the fraudulent process of health insurance. I think so but let me express my frustration and disappointment in the health care. I am ashamed to be apart of health care. The billing and insurance methods are made confusing for a purpose. So health systems and insurance companies can make money. After spending hours and hours on the telephone with multiple different people only one person guided me with honesty. That was "A" the billing person in my oncologists office.The person who referred me to her told me there were certain things she could not discuss but "A" would be able to help.
I understand everyone is doing the job they are paid for but who is there for the consumer?

All is well in the neighborhood. Leave work, walk across parking lot to the cancer center, scan my blue identification card at the desk, proceed to dressing room, undress, place on one gown front,one gown back, take seat in waiting area, proceed to different waiting area when my name is called, take a seat until my name is called again, when name is called I enter a large room with a door about a foot thick, take supine position on table, take my clothes off to expose chest, right arm above head, left arm above head with left hand into right hand, tech pulls sheets to move me so the lasers line up with the tattoos, techs leave the room closing the thick door on the way out, machine moves and ticking sounds proceed, i shallow breath trying my hardest not to move a millimeter, ticking stops, machine moves around to the other side, ticking again, ticking stops, a voice tells me I can bring my arms down but not to sit up, techs return, the table lowers, the techs help this old lady sit up, i proceed back to the changing room, put my uniform back on, walk back to the ER, high five to a friend, one down.

oh and it really doesn't seem real...me have breast cancer.. NO way. it must be wrong.

ok..where did those 4 weeks go....Last week I saw the gorgeous Dr Shroud and he planned my life for the next 6 weeks. I took my clothes off and got tattooed with three miniscule blue dots. The laser will line the dots up so I am in the correct position. The back of my head, neck and shoulders were molded. So on wednesday I go for a trial... go into the room, take position on the table and *ZAP* get a chest xray....then on thursday I start radiation therapy. Radiation therapy increases my survival rate by 10%.

ok well no more posts until the radiation starts.... having a rest and enjoying life!

Yeah, this morning my mood is good and a feel like I'm doing great. My house needs lots of TLC but mostly my family need TLC. I have been very selfish in getting myself through this. Sleeping all the time. Eating whatever whenever. Self pity. Doctors appointments. And may other things that my family have endured through this damn awful chemotherapy. From September 30th 2009 until about 4 weeks ago I was living on the edge of shear terror about my diagnosis. The terror is not constant anymore but it visits often and sometimes stays for a while.

I am of a quandary about how to express my gratitude to the many people that have showed me kindness and support throughout this. The words, the "jolie" bracelets, the emails, the shoulders I've cried on and rides to treatments. There is nothing that I can do to express what that all means to me. Uplifting my spirit in such a dark time is indescribable.

I am still Jolie, Jolie with cancer. Somedays that cancer treatment kicked my ass, I wished time away knowing that each day brought me closer to feeling like I do today. I get to start over. I get a chance to live my life. I survived Chemotherapy with the help of many people.

OMG! I am done. May the cancer stay away and may I live long and prosper!

Getting really close to my last chemo.... I am feeling really well and I even ran a few miles this morning without too much difficulty. I was being to believe I would never get the strength to run again. Ahh the depressive and debilitating effects of chemo. But what started as just a walk up to Tilles Park turned into a run to the end of the street, to running to the park, to running half way around the park, to all the of the way around the park to running all the way home. I was proud and exhilarated to make it home with sweat.

There are so many dark thoughts.. they all involve my children. How does a parent say goodbye to the thing they love the most?
My heart skips a beat, I feel like throwing up and tears coming flooding to eyes at even a tiny thought of leaving my children. It is my biggest fear. Nobody loves children like a mother. Most of my fears I have talked about and most of my questions I have found answers but this is something so horrible and terrifying I cannot talk about it.

So I need to survive the last chemo and the prepare myself for the radiation. The fear of leaving my children will near leave my thoughts.

Eyebrows thinning out! And eyelashes.

OK each day is closer to feeling better.. I hate to wake up and feel sick. GRRRrr go away nausea. My Mother in law in here to help until the end of treatments. Huge help. Today I am pacing myself because i have an interview at work for a position that would be perfect for my life. I already know they have picked the person to do the job and me worrying about it doesn't make any difference.
I'm not sure how the conversation started but it came to the subject of me asking for someone at work to check in with my husband every 2 hours over the weekend when I had chemo. Looking back it seems so excessive but I was very afraid that my husband would not recognize my near death state. Two things were going on in my head. 1. I felt so ill with the first treatment I thought I could die. 2. My mother passed out and was unresponsive with her chemo when Jason and I were there in the spring.
I never wanted Jason to see me that way. I knew my mum was about to flake out but I know my husband would not recognize the warning or know what to do if it was me. So if I had people from work calling to check in then I believed would survive the weekend. No worries though my body rejected that stuff and got a new more toxic chemotherapy.. Or so they say.
I get another cardiac scan before my 4th and final chemo. I was getting chest pains and shortness of breathe but it is total anxiety because when I'm busy doing something other than thinking about cancer I don't have it.
But this chemo seems better to me. Who the hell knows what it's doing to my body?
I can not stop thinking if i should have had a mastectomy then I wouldn't have to do radiation and the breast cancer couldn't come back in that breast. But then I would either wear a prosthetic or have reconstruction? I thought I wouldn't miss my boobs if they were gone but having only one? Running with one? sleeping with one? swimming with one? I think not having my boobs would be very difficult to accept. But I know i would.

Really getting there... just the nausea continuing...OMG only one left. I just want this over so I can get on with looking after myself. Surviving chemo is really all I can do. I am expecting things to linger longer this time around which Dr Hu said it would be an accumulative effect. Chemo is supposed to kill cancer cells on each cycle so your own body can then take on the cancer cells left after chemo. I don't know if my cancer is being killed. I will only know that chemo worked if cancer doesn't show up on all of the tests I will have for the next five years. Really it doesn't seem like I have cancer... I'm not sure that's the healthiest way to be but I don't know what else to think. I am not in a state of terror and fear like I was.
I will be glad when the chemo is complete and hope I never have to visit that again... But one left then I will celebrate getting through the "chemo".

Number three down.. what a long night. But I made it through. OMG I have gained a lot of weight. Chemo is weight based so I get more chemo. Arghhh that's what you get from eating like pig and doing no exercise.
Saturday morning and I seem to have this routine down. wake take meds drink fluids get out of bed..complain to husband. eat toast. feel sick .go back to bed.sleep. wake drink fluids repeat.... sad to say it works to get through the day. knowing I only have to do this once more is very empowering.

Keep the cancer away

It's getting close, another one down soon. Tuesday night and at times I'm still nauseated from the last treatment. I am going to pysch my self up for this next treatment. Knowing I will survive but just feel awful for a while, I am going to not feel sorry for myself.

Go jolie GO!!!

Along time ago I received my second treatment... or so it all seems. I am feeling nearly back to normal just some slight aches and pain. How quickly I can forget how horrible it all is. I know I will do the next two treatments but where I am going to get the physical and psychological strength from to accomplish this task is still not clear to me. I had started to take an antidepressant when I was diagnosed but it made me nauseated so I stopped taking it. I know I need to take it to help on the days when I am overwhelmed but the chemotherapy makes me feel so sick I just don't want double the nausea.

So 2 weeks until my next treatment and I am going to cram in everything I can possibly do until then. Hopefully after this I will appreciate feeling 'well' as much as I do now.