OK each day is closer to feeling better.. I hate to wake up and feel sick. GRRRrr go away nausea. My Mother in law in here to help until the end of treatments. Huge help. Today I am pacing myself because i have an interview at work for a position that would be perfect for my life. I already know they have picked the person to do the job and me worrying about it doesn't make any difference.
I'm not sure how the conversation started but it came to the subject of me asking for someone at work to check in with my husband every 2 hours over the weekend when I had chemo. Looking back it seems so excessive but I was very afraid that my husband would not recognize my near death state. Two things were going on in my head. 1. I felt so ill with the first treatment I thought I could die. 2. My mother passed out and was unresponsive with her chemo when Jason and I were there in the spring.
I never wanted Jason to see me that way. I knew my mum was about to flake out but I know my husband would not recognize the warning or know what to do if it was me. So if I had people from work calling to check in then I believed would survive the weekend. No worries though my body rejected that stuff and got a new more toxic chemotherapy.. Or so they say.
I get another cardiac scan before my 4th and final chemo. I was getting chest pains and shortness of breathe but it is total anxiety because when I'm busy doing something other than thinking about cancer I don't have it.
But this chemo seems better to me. Who the hell knows what it's doing to my body?
I can not stop thinking if i should have had a mastectomy then I wouldn't have to do radiation and the breast cancer couldn't come back in that breast. But then I would either wear a prosthetic or have reconstruction? I thought I wouldn't miss my boobs if they were gone but having only one? Running with one? sleeping with one? swimming with one? I think not having my boobs would be very difficult to accept. But I know i would.