Saturday is the day my hair started to get loose at the root... argh. Now EVERYONE will know I have something wrong. WTF.... It will take me a few days to get used to it then all will be fine with the world again. The past few days I totally forgot about the whole thing. I am hoping between each Chemo I will feel this good....well after the initial rough period.

I am ready to get the next Treatment over with... Move on and forward.

Today my family and I went to cut down our christmas tree... it was sad to wonder if it would be my last time doing this or how many more times would I be doing it... but forcing myself not to think that way and know I will live like I thought before.. forever.

Still feeling great. I feel the best I've felt since before any of this happened...Not on my soap box about anything... just glad to be here.

Feeling good... and pleased about people "feeling" their boobs or going for a Mammogram. Knowing your boobs is the answer... after I found my lump I never felt it again unless medical staff needed me to. If I didn't feel it maybe it would go away? It was hard for me not to suggest every person I know feel the lump so everyone knows what to feel for.. Anything to help anyone else to go through this or not go through this.

I saw my ob/gyn 4 weeks prior to my diagnosis and she felt nothing. So if you are like me and thought the doctor will find anything that is abnormal, think again. Because there is no way the doctor should not have felt that lump but she didn't. I don't blame her, I am not mad at her. I save that anger for myself. How stupid was I ? How did it get so big and I didn't feel it ? How did I let this happen?

I look at pictures of me during the summer and know it was there then...I looked so happy and carefree in the pictures. I had a great summer hiking, biking and camping with my husband. But I am spooked out to think of that thing growing in me.

I know the news media is full of mammogram reports and recommendations. There was also a report about women not doing self exams. I am unsure what to think about all the reports. I don't have the mental energy to think global. I can think about the women I know and know that some don't go for mammograms, don't feel their own boobs and are too young to worry about it happening to them. I am that person so what right do I have to tell the government/scientist/health plans/doctors/researchers what other women should do about mammograms when I did exactly what their research showed.

My future holds breast MRI's and mammograms galore. CT and PET scans. Because the government/scientist/health plans/doctors/researchers have many other studies and reports of what happens to me now. Reports I am not ready to read because like prior to all of this I was afraid to know.

One week out from chemo... that stuff is wicked and I am only on number one..still hurting for certain and nauseated this morning.. bring on the advil and zofran.

My mouth feels like...hmm I'm not sure how to begin. I'm sure words will come to me some other time. I will spend some time today looking for a mouth cure... I know the more I eat the more I taste. Hmm that sounds like a great thing for weight loss... I really don't care if I lose 20lbs or gain 50lbs during this. I will do everything just to get through chemo. I know I won't always want to eat buttered toast by the loaf and when the treatment is complete weight, food and my mouth will return to normal. I can do anything I choose but I know "my life" is not a choice it is a privilege.

Feeling almost normal...My stamina is a little low. I am very concerned about seeing the surgeon again today.. I am mad at her and sad about the situation. I usually know what will be happening and have planned my strategy of attack. Today I'm not sure what the hell will happen. Will she open the wound more, pack the wound or leave the wound. Will she stick a culture swab in there?

Will she tell me what a bad patient I was and look what I did to it? But you know I don't care about that...Shit happens and it did. It could always be worse.

My goal is to get through the Chemo and the wound is causing a distraction. Should I just have had the whole thing chopped off ?

Sunday evening... eaten dinner x3. All the bad should be over for this treatment. My incision is open and draining.. looking gross.. being my own nurse is not something I want to do over this wound. It grosses me out and feels weird.

My body and joints ache. And my open incision burns at times.

Missing my kids... grateful that they go to their dad each weekend. Hopefully they won't see me sick. Maybe I'm divorced from their father so they would never see me go through this. Maybe I moved to the states because surviving breast cancer is better than the UK. Trying to find the good in the bad with optimism, meaning and purpose...

Day ... who's counting. I feel very apprehensive about the day.. and scared to death about my next treatment. The night went by.. i slept and i worried about every ache and pain. My incision is open, sore and draining. My stomach is rumbling from the antibiotics.

Now it feels real. I felt totally catatonic.. my head still feels like I'm floating in space. I was so glad to see the sun shining through the window this morning. It was a long night. I feel so pathetic. This is my first treatment and I feel like I should be doing and running.. but I can hardly go to the bathroom. I would never wish this on anyone. I feel like a total failure. This too will pass. Why did I want chemo?... oh, to live.

One Chemo down... it all went well, I felt great all the way through. My port worked like a dream. Now waiting for side effects...

1. flushing on my chest and face this morning.

Still seems totally unreal. I wonder if it ever will?

So while in the shower I noticed blood draining from my breast...my incision is open about

3-5 mm and draining all old blood. Pressure was instantly relieved. I hope it doesn't stop my Chemotherapy tomorrow. So spending the evening in bed lying on my right side with the heating pad on and a kotex in my bra!

I will not let this get me down.. i know there will be worse to come. Fight on!!

I am tired of this breast cancer nonsense.

After going to work today I almost felt normal. Ohh I managed four hours. My neck is sore and my boob is beginning to look like it was butchered. I guess my topless beach days are over but I remember some of the sights on a European beach, the Costa del Sol is not Baywatch and I won't be pulling my top off at Clayton pool ever. So the scars, holes and oddity is between me, the mirror, my husband and anyone who practices their medicine on me. Maybe I can manipulate my back fat into the cup of my bra and no one will be the wiser.

I keep feeling twitching and pulsating in my neck above my port..it is driving me potty. It circles the front of my throat. Who thought this device could make me think about air embolism, stroke and sepsis. Oh I guess anyone who knows I'm a worrywart.

Chemotherapy starts on Thursday, my freezer and cupboards are full of lollipops, popsicles, ginger ale and other paraphernalia that I might need for nausea. I am not a good sick person. I always need hand holding, brow mopping and reassurance. I feel for everyone who encounters my self pitying whiney butt.

But tonight my mood is good and all is well in my world. My wish is yours is good too.

Port in the Chest

Yesterday was Port day, it went really well and super fast. I feel like someone punched me in the chest and trying to catch my breath is difficult. But I think that's just because I am aware of it. My son wanted to know why it was still in there. Max thought I would get chemo through it yesterday and then they would take it out... I think he's a little freaked out.

I spent most of the day crying.. while looking up my chemo meds on the computer I found an article regarding lyphm node biopsy results. I read that finding single cell cancer in the lymph nodes deceases my chance of five year survival by 50%. But I'll put that into context research shows that these single cells should be treated like positive lymph nodes with Chemo, radiation and hormones. Which was already Dr Hu's plan. It's comforting to know the man is up on the research but so scary to read.

So another day comes to an end. I can't wait for sleep because the mornings always seem better.

I will not read about Breast Cancer tomorrow...

The beginning of a new week.. and more breast cancer stories. Monday was PET scan day. I will call about my results Tuesday. Hmm.. that's a dreadful thing, calling and if they answer you wait while they open up the screen and read the result first before you get your answer. If they don't answer you leave a message and hope they call back so you know but don't want to know if it's bad news. ( But I didn't do any of that Dr Hu's nurse called me on Monday night. While holding my breathe she told me I did NOT have any metastatic disease. My husband guessed who and what was going on from my crying and my repetitive thank yous.

Monday after the scan I came home and started the billing issues... I am of sound mind and also had many issues with my daughter, so am very aware of mistakes made with billing, coding and insurance . It truly gives me a headache dealing with patient accounts and MHP... are they not ultimately the same company trying to make money? I am unsure how it works but know it is a waste of resources and just adding to my bills and health care premiums because talking with multiple people for hours about why I have a bill for $591.00 for a breast biopsy costs even more money.

Oh well that one is sorted there are at least 10 other bills to investigate. They are also coding some of my tests with " family Hx of breast cancer". Insurance won't pay for a PET scan with that code. If a person from my health insurance called and let me know what to expect and how to navigate around the billing that would really help me. I think I have a great idea and will open a consulting business.

Boob still hurting but is getting more squishy by the day. And naughty me ran yesterday(....shh don't tell my husband I told Jason things hurt today because the mean heartless PET tech made me put my arms over my head for the 20 minutes during the test.). But being outside on such a wonderful sunny day is just worth the pain. I don't get today to live again and I can never re-live a moment of my life. So I take this cool sunny November day to run outside feel the wind hitting my rosy cheeks and feel happy. All pain eventually ends.. just like bleeding ?