Eyebrows thinning out! And eyelashes.

OK each day is closer to feeling better.. I hate to wake up and feel sick. GRRRrr go away nausea. My Mother in law in here to help until the end of treatments. Huge help. Today I am pacing myself because i have an interview at work for a position that would be perfect for my life. I already know they have picked the person to do the job and me worrying about it doesn't make any difference.
I'm not sure how the conversation started but it came to the subject of me asking for someone at work to check in with my husband every 2 hours over the weekend when I had chemo. Looking back it seems so excessive but I was very afraid that my husband would not recognize my near death state. Two things were going on in my head. 1. I felt so ill with the first treatment I thought I could die. 2. My mother passed out and was unresponsive with her chemo when Jason and I were there in the spring.
I never wanted Jason to see me that way. I knew my mum was about to flake out but I know my husband would not recognize the warning or know what to do if it was me. So if I had people from work calling to check in then I believed would survive the weekend. No worries though my body rejected that stuff and got a new more toxic chemotherapy.. Or so they say.
I get another cardiac scan before my 4th and final chemo. I was getting chest pains and shortness of breathe but it is total anxiety because when I'm busy doing something other than thinking about cancer I don't have it.
But this chemo seems better to me. Who the hell knows what it's doing to my body?
I can not stop thinking if i should have had a mastectomy then I wouldn't have to do radiation and the breast cancer couldn't come back in that breast. But then I would either wear a prosthetic or have reconstruction? I thought I wouldn't miss my boobs if they were gone but having only one? Running with one? sleeping with one? swimming with one? I think not having my boobs would be very difficult to accept. But I know i would.

Really getting there... just the nausea continuing...OMG only one left. I just want this over so I can get on with looking after myself. Surviving chemo is really all I can do. I am expecting things to linger longer this time around which Dr Hu said it would be an accumulative effect. Chemo is supposed to kill cancer cells on each cycle so your own body can then take on the cancer cells left after chemo. I don't know if my cancer is being killed. I will only know that chemo worked if cancer doesn't show up on all of the tests I will have for the next five years. Really it doesn't seem like I have cancer... I'm not sure that's the healthiest way to be but I don't know what else to think. I am not in a state of terror and fear like I was.
I will be glad when the chemo is complete and hope I never have to visit that again... But one left then I will celebrate getting through the "chemo".

Number three down.. what a long night. But I made it through. OMG I have gained a lot of weight. Chemo is weight based so I get more chemo. Arghhh that's what you get from eating like pig and doing no exercise.
Saturday morning and I seem to have this routine down. wake take meds drink fluids get out of bed..complain to husband. eat toast. feel sick .go back to bed.sleep. wake drink fluids repeat.... sad to say it works to get through the day. knowing I only have to do this once more is very empowering.

Keep the cancer away

It's getting close, another one down soon. Tuesday night and at times I'm still nauseated from the last treatment. I am going to pysch my self up for this next treatment. Knowing I will survive but just feel awful for a while, I am going to not feel sorry for myself.

Go jolie GO!!!

Along time ago I received my second treatment... or so it all seems. I am feeling nearly back to normal just some slight aches and pain. How quickly I can forget how horrible it all is. I know I will do the next two treatments but where I am going to get the physical and psychological strength from to accomplish this task is still not clear to me. I had started to take an antidepressant when I was diagnosed but it made me nauseated so I stopped taking it. I know I need to take it to help on the days when I am overwhelmed but the chemotherapy makes me feel so sick I just don't want double the nausea.

So 2 weeks until my next treatment and I am going to cram in everything I can possibly do until then. Hopefully after this I will appreciate feeling 'well' as much as I do now.