Another one down. Only Two left. Yeah for cancer killing chemo. Yesterday I was sad and scared about my future. After saying I would not read any more of my medical reports at work, I broke down and read my PET scan and the two small areas on my liver can not be ruled out for metastatic disease. But Dr Hu said they didn't look like cancer and my lyphmnodes had only single cancer cells in them... so it should be negative. I guess if they go away with chemo or get bigger and change, then they are cancer. If they stay the same then who knows.

When will the worry stop...I keep thinking about the same conversations over and over again. Some days and events I can not recall.

It's 3am and I can't sleep for worry...

My hair is growing back and I have kept it a while longer because of switching treatments and should begin to fall out again this week. I am not buying a wig and if it wasn't so cold I wouldn't be wearing a hat. I forget all about the baldness and at work when I am wearing my scrub hat a few people have asked if they are going for surgery when I walk in... one patient had lung cancer and was scheduled for chemo the same day as me, we said we'd look out for each other in the "chairs".

Writing all my worries down makes me feel better. I try to remember I have now and not to think too far ahead. I will be forty in May. I am too young to die, my children need me and I don't want to leave them. I have no control over cancer it will do what it wants and when but I can control how I live with it. I am looking for that strength and peace.