Yesterday was Jason's birthday and I used his lucky omen when I scheduled my appointment with my oncologist... I couldn't get any bad news on my husbands birthday? Dr Hu starts off talking about the tumour size which we know... then starts with my Lymph nodes... there are single cell cancer cells which show up on a stain ...this makes my prognosis worse. So he will treat as if they are positive and give me chemo. But the nodes are classed as negative. If I was 75 and not 39 I'd just get tamoxifen and radiation. I will be receiving 6 treatments 3 weeks apart. I start November 12th with Taxotere an Cytoxan. I have a Powerport placed on Tuesday. I have 3 abnormalities on my liver, a definite hemangioma and 2 small areas that do NOT look like typical cancer. I have a PET scan on Monday... but I don't know if I can cope with waiting and being told the result. Tests seem like another to give me bad news and I'm done with that.
Unless I'm having a direct intervention all of this seems totally unreal... but instant I put my identification wrist band on or I sit in a chair at the office I just want to close my ears, scream and hide. How the hell did this happen to me?
I thought I would get cancer due to my family history but not now... we all know being so young is not the best recipe for longevity. I see that look in faces.. The look I would give. Despair, sympathy and concern... the look of what to say. Can I smile, can I joke? How and if I should say something? I will be glad to have other things to talk about... right now all I can talk about is my breast cancer.
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