Chemotherapy on Thursday... a few days away. Very afraid... have no idea what is in store. I am hoping my first chemo was so bad because of the taxotere but that is supposed to be a kinder and milder chemo drug. But I can not stop hoping that it was so bad because my body didn't like that stuff, not that any chemo will be admired by my body. So I have Adriamycin and Cytoxen. Adriamycin can cause cardiac problems, which I am also hoping doesn't happen.

I know I am lucky not to have metastatic disease or a cancer which can not be cured but what if I am that 10% that doesn't survive.. that 5% which the chemo makes my heart fail. I try not the think "bad" thoughts.. because they might "jinx" me. I am afraid to think and complain about all of this.

The thought that I will recover but be broke, homeless, unemployable, uninsurable and afraid at every doctors appointment enters my mind but wondering about the future when I haven't won this fight yet seems like I'm being too sure about my outcome. So I ask myself what should I think. I decide not to think and just go through the motions of what is expected of me..